but Back by Popular Demand!
Eternal Sunshine of the Idiodic Mind
a new play by FIX…based on a very real day in our very real life
Cast of characters:
Kristen- female, homeowner; expects too much kindness from her fellow humans, is disappointed often
[casting: Julie Louis-Dreyfus]
Scott- male, homeowner; even tempered, trusting, just wants to do the right thing
[casting: Tom Hanks, circa Splash]
Mary- female, town worker; caring and understanding- hates her job
[casting: Kathy Bates]
Town Idiot- male, mildly chauvinistic moron, works in town government, skilled in dodging questions, has all of the power
[casting: Chris Eliot]
Background: Scott and Kristen have recently found out that their building permit application to build a full shed dormer on their existing dwelling has been rejected
Location: Stale town building department office, ½ hour before closing on a Friday evening.
Act I/ Scene I
Mary- (recognizing scott) oh hello, I have your rejection right here
Kristen- we are here with some design options that will hopefully be approved…but first we have a few questions— why exactly were we rejected?
Mary- (frowning) mmm hmm. You have a corner lot, which means that the side is actually a front- so the minimum setback from that side/front is 30’, not 10’ as it would be if it were a real side. The 30’ setback lands in the middle of your house.
Scott- (thinking this whole thing is f&*@ing retarded) but, we just want to build on the existing house, we are not building outside the existing footprint.
Mary- (with extreme sincere empathy) it doesn’t matter.
Kristen- (sassily) the entire neighborhood is filled with houses on corner lots that are breaking all of the rules
Mary- they had to go to ZBA [zoning board of appeals] to get approval
Kristen- (hesitating…but determined) um, our neighbor across the street has a corner lot and in 2005 (Kristen pulls out documents to show Mary) they put a full 2nd story addition on their house and they did not need a variance and they are definitely in the 30’ setback
Mary- (with total blind faith) they had to have a variance (mary pulls the records for 17 Jean)Mary- (with surprise, mumbling softly) oh, they didn’t have a variance, hmmpfh.(the background office noise suddenly stops, an awkward silence befalls the space)-fade out-
Act I/Scene II
Scott, Kristen and Mary are at the front desk talking while the town idiot is floating in the background pretending to be busy but is really trying to overhear the conversation. He does not go unnoticed.
Mary- (to town idiot) oy, these are the people with the corner lot that were rejected
Town Idiot- (showing no emotion) your plot plan is not to scale
Kristen- yes it is
Town Idiot- no it isn’t
Kristen- yes it is (the vein in her forehead starts to pulsate)
Town Idiot-(takes out the scale and proceeds to try to measure the plot plan using the wrong scale) I’ve been playing with this all day…it doesn’t work
Kristen- (thinking to herself, ‘all day?’) the scale is 1/16…look (takes scale away from Town Idiot) you have to use the 1/8th scale and …
Town Idiot- (interrupting) it’s not to scale. I can pass your deck application, but not the dormer. you need a new plot plan.
Scott- (questions how he can pass the deck without a new plot plan but says nothing)
Kristen- er, so what if we changed the dormer so that it wasn’t a full shed (shows idiot the new drawings).
Town Idiot- sure…you can do that. But you need a new plot plan. You should check your mortgage paperwork, you should have had a plot plan when you bought the house.
Kristen- (remembering that they specifically opted not to get the plot plan at the time of the closing) no, we didn’t.
Scott- (confirming) no, we didn’t
Town Idiot- that is what everybody says…just check your paperwork.
Kristen- no, we didn’t have the plot plan because we opted not to…
Town Idiot- (interrupting) I am sure that you have one
Kristen- (defeated) so, what if we check and we don’t have one
Town Idiot-then I would be surprised.
(awkward pause while Kristen and Scott exchange hopeless looks)
Kristen- but still, say we check and we don’t have one…
Town Idiot- then you need a new plot plan.
Cut to stupefied look on Kristen + Scott’s faces-fade out-
Act I/Scene III
Mary- (to town idiot)- they have questioned 17 Jean Street…they didn’t have a variance and built a 2nd story addition
Town Idiot- (to Kristen + Scott), well, you would have to bring in those plans so I could review them and make a determination
Kristen- (vein in forehead pops- opens mouth to say something but nothing comes out)
Scott- (without missing a beat, inserts his forefinger into Kristen’s spurting vein)
Mary- (to town idiot with obvious disdain) I have it all right here
Town Idiot- (disgruntled, and without a word he takes the plans and his scale and proceeds to measure the setbacks even though it is clearly marked that the house is only 22’ from the side/front property line- confirming the alleged infraction of the bylaws, yet the permit was issued without incident)5 minutes later…(town idiot takes the plans and walks away, he enters the office of the building inspector…and soon returns to the front desk)
Town Idiot- (to Scott and Kristen) yeah, this should never have been approved.(long -awkward -pause)
Kristen- (vein in neck now pulsating…trying to figure out how not to offend the idiot) ummmmmm soooooooo
Town Idiot- (to himself, but loud enough so that the homeowners could hear) oh yes, here, this was approved by the prior administration
Town Idiot- (to scott with heightened enthusiasm and feigning cooperation) so I can approve your deck…but…you have to change the plan…
Scott- uh, what?
Kristen-(thinking of the newly framed deck at 29 Jean, the vein in her neck pops- her face grows pale)
Scott- (transfers his pinky into the vein in Kristen's forehead, fans his hand and applies his thumb to the spurting hole in her neck)
Town Idiot- (to scott, trying hard not to look at Kristen) you see, your span is just at the very end of the allowable span for that lumber and you should either shorten the span or add support. You don’t want the deck to be bouncy?
Cut to stunned look on Kristen + Scott’s faces-curtain-
Act II/Scene I
Location: Kristen + Scott’s apartment, Scott is in his office, Kristen in her’s- both on the internet furiously trying to find answers
Scott- (yells to Kristen) that idiot was appointed to his current position in 2003! HE WAS THE ONE WHO APPROVED THE PERMIT FOR 17 JEAN!
Kristen- (eyes roll backward as her head falls forward and hits the computer keyboard…as her body convulses, the following characters ironically appear on the screen: F & * K)
Act II/Scene II
Location: Back at the office of the Town Idiot
(town idiot is sitting at his desk, scale in hand, homeowner's plot plan in front of him)
Town Idiot: hmmmph, would you look at that...it IS to scale!
-fade to black--THE END-
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